COCK SHOP

At some point we will have to talk about sex. There is a lot to say about that topic in SL but we only just met and I think we should take that slowly and learn to respect each other first don’t you?  Before we get there though, we need to cover a topic that may upset some men so you may want to be sitting down. I’m not sure if there’s a good way to break it to you so I’m just going to come right out and say it – you remember how they sold you on the idea of SL as an immersive environment where you would identify so strongly with your AV that you would start to think of it as “you?”  Well, “you” don’t have a cock.

In what might have been a halfhearted attempt to distance themselves from the idea that SL might be some sort of deviant’s playground, the cruel gods have reshaped you without man junk. Tempting as it might be to delve into the psychology of people who love genital mutilation so much that a world of sexless Kens and Barbies appealed to them, I’ll instead just cut to the chase. The good news is you can get one. The bad news is you are going to have to pay for having a dick (much like real life, eh guys amirite?) On the surface it’s very straightforward. Go to a penis shop, buy a penis, wear it. Slap it on you like a hat, go nuts. Ok not quite like a hat – a hat that goes between your legs; a penis shaped hat between your legs. This was a terrible metaphor.

You may be tempted to try any of the free penises that you can find laying around in SL – and the braver of the SL help blogs that might cover this topic (or some of the more progressive help people in world) would at this point scream “NO!” to you.  I disagree, go get one of those bad boys by all means, but (and Bro, this is crucial) Never. Let. Anyone. See. It.

Go far away, up a mountain or a gazillion feet up in a sandbox – it doesn’t matter just find someplace in SL that nobody ever visits, like a church, and try it on for size. Nestle that puppy right up into the convenient gap between your thighs and cam back a little to take a look. Doesn’t look too bad huh? Feels better to know it’s there..? Damn right.

Now – delete it.

HUGECOCK

Sometimes WTF is the only correct response.

You are going to go and buy one, and you are going to be fearless about it. I’m not here to tell you which one to get but a decent rule of thumb is if you find yourself thinking “that’s way too much for a cock” then you are on the right track. Imagine how much you would pay to keep the one you have IRL.  Are we on the same page now? Don’t go all cheapskate on me. Stroll into that shop and look at the posters or appraise the giant display versions with veins as thick as a rope and a head on them like an over-inflated football (Don’t worry these are not actual size, ok – in some cases they might be but we don’t want to talk about that now). Grab a few demo versions if you get the option and be bold about it. You might feel a little odd being surrounded by dick of all shapes and colors (unless that’s been a situation you have found yourself in before IRL) however this is a rite of passage for any SL man or open minded woman and you need to own it. If there are other people around do not worry that they may be thinking “that new guy has no dick.” You could be an alt, you could be upgrading, or you might just be the kind of dude who doesn’t give a shit what people think and now’s as good a time as any to start faking that. One rule here and again pay attention: Many places that sell meat may have other people in them. Do not hit on anyone in shops where people are buying genitals. Do not be that guy. If you need me to explain why that’s a rule, quit reading now – you are beyond my help.

You can get cocks that pulse and twitch and spurt and flop around like a fish on the deck of a boat. Just find your own comfort level and make your purchase, then head back to your secluded area of choice and make friends with your new buddy. I know you are excited and want to take the monster out for a test drive, but just use the big head for a moment. Read the manual, learn how it works – “up” and “down” is the bare minimum you need to master but almost as important is making sure it matches the rest of you.

You don’t have to go full 100% OCD eye for color and detail right off, but you need to mess about with it so that at least on cursory examination it sits right and blends in with your skin so that it looks like a part of the whole and not some sort of bruised and diseased appendage that might be on the verge of falling off. That sends the wrong message guys. Do a little prep work, because I’m telling you now, you do not want someone laughing when you finally get the chance to get it out.

Take it from me, that shit stays with you for a long time. A very long time.

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Charming, debonair, respectful of others and welcomed wherever he goes - Zero is none of these things. An unselfconscious reprobate, a shameless drunk and an ill informed opinionated prick of the highest order.

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